They can't all be first
I need to dump some thoughts here because I feel emotional and overwhelmed. I am sure many are experiencing the same. Yesterday was plain awful. Today hasn't been much better. Aside from it being Michael's 3rd birthday, I don't really feel much of a reason to smile today.
Being a parent is a strange mixture of pride, fear, love, stress, excitement and exhaustion. At least that is the case in my parenting journey. I feel a constant, mild level of concern at all times. It is often so mild that it is almost undetectable. But it is never fully gone. I don't suspect it ever goes away even when they are adults, on their own, living their own lives. Sometimes, for different reasons, the mild level of concern will elevate. This is usually temporary as we handle or navigate situations. I think the elevated level will remain constant now and it just makes me so sad.
On occasion, I will drive by the girl's schools while out running errands. It always feels so foreign and uncomfortable knowing that they are close by but not with me. It makes me feel uneasy, if I am being honest. I may be overprotective, a helicopter, a hovering type. I am fine with all these labels. I wear them proudly. These people are my most important job.
So today, when I dropped Brynn and Paige at school, as tears streamed down my face, it hit me hard, that I feel uneasy as I pass their schools for a reason. My kids are not safe. We are not safe. I know bad things can happen anywhere, at any time. But my kids, for now, are not anywhere at any time. They are home with me, they are out somewhere with me, or at times the girls are with their dad. In all of those situations, they are with people who's first priority is their safety. In a classroom, their teacher has their safety as his or her responsibility and priority. But all 20+ kids can't be first.
I need to find a way to balance this new, elevated level of concern with the knowledge that when they are away from me, it is out of my hands. Or I need to make changes so that my hands have more of a grasp. The way it is now, won't work long term.
When Madison got out of the car another student was crossing through the school entrance gates along side her. The girl turned around and waved at her dad, who was sitting in his car watching her. 17 kids said good-bye to their parents yesterday morning when they went off to school. 17 kids that never returned home. I don't know about you, but today, that is weighing extremely heavy on my soul. I wonder if that dad watching his daughter wave and walk in to school had the same thought I did.......
My kids are my first priority. I can't hand over that job to anyone else, anymore.
Being a parent is a strange mixture of pride, fear, love, stress, excitement and exhaustion. At least that is the case in my parenting journey. I feel a constant, mild level of concern at all times. It is often so mild that it is almost undetectable. But it is never fully gone. I don't suspect it ever goes away even when they are adults, on their own, living their own lives. Sometimes, for different reasons, the mild level of concern will elevate. This is usually temporary as we handle or navigate situations. I think the elevated level will remain constant now and it just makes me so sad.
On occasion, I will drive by the girl's schools while out running errands. It always feels so foreign and uncomfortable knowing that they are close by but not with me. It makes me feel uneasy, if I am being honest. I may be overprotective, a helicopter, a hovering type. I am fine with all these labels. I wear them proudly. These people are my most important job.
So today, when I dropped Brynn and Paige at school, as tears streamed down my face, it hit me hard, that I feel uneasy as I pass their schools for a reason. My kids are not safe. We are not safe. I know bad things can happen anywhere, at any time. But my kids, for now, are not anywhere at any time. They are home with me, they are out somewhere with me, or at times the girls are with their dad. In all of those situations, they are with people who's first priority is their safety. In a classroom, their teacher has their safety as his or her responsibility and priority. But all 20+ kids can't be first.
I need to find a way to balance this new, elevated level of concern with the knowledge that when they are away from me, it is out of my hands. Or I need to make changes so that my hands have more of a grasp. The way it is now, won't work long term.
When Madison got out of the car another student was crossing through the school entrance gates along side her. The girl turned around and waved at her dad, who was sitting in his car watching her. 17 kids said good-bye to their parents yesterday morning when they went off to school. 17 kids that never returned home. I don't know about you, but today, that is weighing extremely heavy on my soul. I wonder if that dad watching his daughter wave and walk in to school had the same thought I did.......
My kids are my first priority. I can't hand over that job to anyone else, anymore.
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